1.
when your mom is late picking you up from Starfish Club
@ReelQuinn
2.
PRIEST: Do you take Florence to be your wife?
THE MACHINE: I do
PRIEST: Does anyone have anything-
RAGE: [from the back] I’M AGAINST THIS
@daemonic3
3.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
@upsidedowntrash
4.
[alternate universe where jesus christ's name was jeffy spaghetti]
ME: *hears some horrible news* jeffy spaghetti
@notacroc
5.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
@TheTimmyToes
6.
WIFE: the kitchen is burning to the ground! we have to call the fire marshall!
ME [to the fire]: MARSHALL! STOP BURNING MY KITCHEN
@captainkalvis
7.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
@TeaAndCopy
8.
*Glenn Close decides to splurge and eat her third Kind Bar of the day*
Glenn (to self): Time for a Close Encounter of the Third Kind
@HelloCullen
9.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
@ItsAndyRyan
10.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
@LizHackett
11.
*on Ellen*
ELLEN: so i hear u tweet about wanting to die
ME: haha yeah, i do
*Death comes out, creeps up behind me*
ME: omg ellen you didnt
@cavedevice
12.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
@Fred_Delicious
13.
Scientist: But WHY is the bee population dying?
Scientist: No idea. *eats bee*
Scientist: Did you just eat a bee?
Scientist: *eats bee* No.
@The_No_Show
14.
Woah, black Betty
@kimbstruck
15.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
@AnOrangeSNES
16.
LADY: My cat won’t stop mewling
ME: It’s okay, I’m a cat whisperer
LADY: Oh, great
ME {whispering to cat}: shut the hell up
@TheToddWilliams
17.
[Two penguins driving with tunes cranked]
*’I believe I can fly’ comes on the radio*
PENGUIN: HELL YEAAAH *tiny foot just hammers the gas*
@flashember
18.
“And over there is where we work on the updog.”
— What’s updog?
“Oh, sorry. The Unified Particle-Decelerating Optimizing Grid.”
— OK, cool.
@therealeatwood
19.
MY FRIEND: (on phone) Thx for the present, but I think u forgot to poke air holes in the box
ME: Why would I poke air holes for a dead bird
@KyleMcDowell86
20.
DATING TIP: If you fill up a backpack with hot bread and wear it to bed it feels like spooning
@charstarlene
21.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
@Chelsea_Elle
22.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
@meganamram
23.
[Batman at McDonald's]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
@OhNoSheTwitnt
24.
*knock on door*
“Sir have you found Jesus?”
Uh, no. Goodbye.
*shuts door*
*Jesus steps out from behind door with gun*
Good answer
@BuckyIsotope
25.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
@KeetPotato
26.
(Interview to be a hot dog vendor at a baseball park)
INTERVIEWER: how loud can you yell ‘hot dogs’?
ME: (eyes go completely black) HOT DOGS
@michael_raphone
27.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
@pleatedjeans