1.
do u ever choke drinking plain water and feel so betrayed
@jonnysun

2.
college: get drunk and throw up in a mailbox
now: get drunk and submit like 500 dog adoption applications
@bobvulfov

3.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
@dumbbeezie

4.
Took a decongestant and now I can smell time.
@illiter8too

5.
When I drink my tea I make sure to sigh and say “I really needed this” so everyone knows what kind of day I’ve had
@hellohappy_time

6.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
@simoncholland

7.
My favorite thing about classic authors like Hemingway is how impressive their books are on my shelf when guests come over
@TheHyyyype

8.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
@IvoryGazelle

9.
why is my stomach so flat in the mornings until i eat a crumb and i’m suddenly 8 months pregnant with twins
@marleylaceyx

10.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you
[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
@upsidedowntrash

11.
me: I never have crushes, crushes suck
also me: sees a guy on the train every day, calls him my train boyfriend, imagines our train wedding
@SmileGena

12.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
@adult_mom

13.
All-You-Can-Eat Pancakes should be called Four Pancakes.
@curlycomedy

14.
[first date]
“table or booth?”
date: table
me: we’re done here
@TheOGJB

15.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
@bobvulfov

16.
In case you are wondering about my styling: hair by Wind™, face by Tired™
@aparnapkin

17.
R u ever having like a nice chill night and then u decide to casually check up on someone via social media who ruined your life…
@mollysoda

18.
God (inventing humans): Make it so their favorite food kills them slowly.
@HughGoesThere

19.
I wish horses knew that every person who drives by them says, “Oh look. Horses.”
@TheGladStork

20.
“Based on a true story” means that the real event happened to a much less attractive person.
@CatherineLMK

21.
me: hey
friend who has been thinking abt quitting their job for the past 186 weeks: im gonna do it. im gonna quit my job this week
@jonnysun

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