1.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
@elle91

2.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
@jonnysun

3.
R.I.P. 2016 (2016 – 2016)
@meganamram

4.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
@fro_vo

5.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
@Fred_Delicious

6.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
@KeetPotato

7.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
@ElleOhHell

8.
[Ouija Board]
Me: Spirit, answer this one question—do you like me?
Board: R E A D 1 2 : 3 7 P M
@therealeatwood

9.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
@ch000ch

10.
beware diet advice that recommends “eating light,” for that is most certainly the way you become a black hole
@rachelle_mandik

11.
I wonder if caterpillars know they’re gonna fly some day or they just start building a cocoon and are like ‘why am I doing this’.
@JennyPentland

12.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
@FrenulumBreve

13.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
@murrman5

14.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary –
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
@abbycohenwl

15.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
@zoebread

16.
*knock on door*
“Sir have you found Jesus?”
Uh, no. Goodbye.
*shuts door*
*Jesus steps out from behind door with gun*
Good answer
@BuckyIsotope

17.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
@DanMentos

18.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
@liz_buckley

19.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
@david8hughes

20.
JIM: I’ve got an idea. Let’s call this place “Jimadelphia”
[PHIL is creeping up from behind with a crowbar]
@dubstep4dads

21.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
@bobvulfov

22.
Squirrel Hell and Dog Heaven are the same place
@KyleMcDowell86

23.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
@CornOnTheGoblin

24.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
@pleatedjeans

25.
Vet: your horse is lame.
Me: *looks at horse through window* he looks fine?
Vet: *cleaning his glasses* he’s a fucking loser Dave.
@EndhooS

26.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
@pharmasean

27.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
@GrowlyGrego

28.
If I could have dinner with anybody living or dead I’d pick the dead guy. Then I’d order two dinners and eat both. Fuck that guy. He’s dead
@bourgeoisalien

29.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
@ninatreemonkey