1.
[trying to impress date]
HER: I really want to have children.
ME: [to waiter] Bring us your finest baby.
@dafloydsta
2.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
@fro_vo
3.
ME: run it again
WAITER: ma’am, it’s a Blockbuster card from 1994
ME *leans in close* I said run it again
@MUMSIEesq
4.
Abel: So this is heaven
God: Yep
A:
G:
A:
G: Gonna be awesome once more people show
A:
G: Sorry about ur bro-
A: I’ll just wait by the gate
@AdamBroud
5.
ME: *finger in mouth* mmm you like that?
DENTIST: stop it
@trojansauce
6.
wife: I am having an affair
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have the affair as well
@ohen39
7.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
@rachelle_mandik
8.
I dead ass ate pineapples for a month and this boy told me my pussy tasted like cheetos sooo y’all lying out here
@dominicanraq
9.
Wife: *walks by when I’m making hand motions for a conversation I’m having in my head* What are you doing?
Me: Karate.
@XplodingUnicorn
10.
first of all biiiiiitch, u don’t even wanna know what ya man said in confessions last week, so take a seat.
@Princessofwifi
11.
Karen from accounting thinks I hate all birds because she caught me yelling at a bird but the truth is I only hate one specific bird
@Amusitr0n
12.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
@Flora__Flora
13.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
@mortimermaiden
14.
@ItsRonaldMBitch
15.
Why is it called boob sweat and not humidititties
@TylerChapman_
16.
not everyone is going to think i’m pretty and that’s ok !!!!! they’re wrong though
@lSABABE
17.
Am I the only one who charger look like this? (Excuse my feet btw)
@flexanie
18.
reminder that winnie the pooh wore a crop top w/ no panties and ate his fave food and loved himself and u can too
@sryimnate
19.
doctor: show me where it hurts
me: look at this text where she says despacito isn’t the song of the summer
@bobvulfov