1.
when I was 16 my parents commissioned my grandad to paint a portrait of me to raise my self esteem. It did not. pic.twitter.com/eACumc3YsI
— miller high lives (@squierzz) June 12, 2017
2.
[blind date]
— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) July 4, 2017
HER: I'm a big country fan
ME {trying to impress her}: China is very large
3.
"This isn't my first rodeo" -Guy at his second rodeo
— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) January 17, 2014
4.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) January 21, 2016
5.
Cow: is this bus going downtown??
— Lone Wulf (@14thSquadLt) June 7, 2017
Driver: depends on whether or not you have moola lolol
Cow: I'm fucking late to work Craig pic.twitter.com/P2J7xmH5Me
6.
if you ever meet someone who calls Gatorade flavors the actual name of the flavor instead of just the color they are 100% a cop
— Posts Malone (@boissongazeuse) July 15, 2017
7.
So today I was lookin at a girl bcuz she had a piece of lettuce in her hair & she looks at me and said "I have a boyfriend" ok lettuce head
— B (@Bentono10) September 14, 2016
8.
I always keep my cool when using self-checkout machines because I want them to vouch for me as an ally during the robot uprising
— Ash (@adult_mom) June 20, 2017
9.
"HHhuELLo my name ius Babadook Canterbury, please cast me in-"
— donnie (@donniemnemonic) November 7, 2016
[LOOKING AT GIANT HAND]
""Human Movies"" pic.twitter.com/JhMwA2DuEg
10.
The tenth Fast and Furious movie should be called Fast 10: Your Seatbelts
— Cadaea (@sophiekeen) July 11, 2017
11.
It's okay password, I'm insecure too.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) November 20, 2014
12.
me creating new accounts to get one month free trials pic.twitter.com/Z1C0VBJNnj
— lauren//got spoilers (@sansastcrk) July 11, 2017
13.
i can't believe i have to keep washing this stupid body until i die
— pascalle (@frenchielaboozi) February 27, 2014
14.
I'm not appreciated enough.
— Ben Hall (@MrBenLHall) July 10, 2017
Saw this bread and not one person laughed when I said "dat ass dough". pic.twitter.com/4F4sbkMy0u
15.
Yea pic.twitter.com/zg3WcpcEuR
— Danielle Betsy (@sistersome) April 19, 2013
16.
It is with a heavy heart that I must announce I am finally getting rid of my confusing and racist microwave pic.twitter.com/ghomeTrUzo
— local crop top cat (@niceesque) July 14, 2017
17.
4 months ago i quietly left 57 dvds of 'click' at my parents' house and they've still never noticed or mentioned it pic.twitter.com/j864rH9eG8
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) November 28, 2013
18.
@JoelMadden YOUR MUSIC IS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!! IGNORE THE USER NAME…THERE WAS NOTHING ELSE LEFT..
— Heather Muirhead (@PeckerLicker) March 11, 2011
19.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) June 1, 2014
"Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."
20.
Presumably good at helping people stay alive. pic.twitter.com/xvj0jF3lJh
— Andrew Dennison (@CharlieBeatnik) July 14, 2017
21.
"Go back to bed. This doesn't concern you." pic.twitter.com/53L15p5iXU
— Richard Kadrey (@Richard_Kadrey) July 13, 2017
22.
Measuring my weiner pic.twitter.com/4pwg05LPTh
— (@KillJerry_) July 13, 2017
23.
Barbie does what now? pic.twitter.com/pNctMZIpYh
— Troy (@TroyBoyMartin) June 13, 2017
24.
when the music suddenly gets quiet and everyone hears you talking pic.twitter.com/GhMMHwqlbU
— NK™ (@VanGobot) April 7, 2017
25.
I didn't even have to photoshop this pic.twitter.com/hszbhWViS7
— Andy Ryan (@ItsAndyRyan) July 3, 2017
26.
the face i make after i tell a bad joke and im waiting for everyone to laugh even tho i know they wont which makes it even funnier pic.twitter.com/gmxxzc8G6v
— Tracy Clayton (@brokeymcpoverty) July 12, 2017
27.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
— Hippo (@InternetHippo) July 15, 2017
28.
my mom asked me for a pic of ed sheeran and i tried to be funny and i edited it i didnt know she was gonna frame it a week later jfc pic.twitter.com/uFNzgnztaF
— goth turtle (@dubstep4dads) July 13, 2017
29.
A simple way to help you remember how to spell "honey" pic.twitter.com/y3COkiJLAK
— Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) July 17, 2016