1.
Ur weird if ur on holiday n u don’t go up to ur hotel room and lay on the bed naked eatin Lays
@jon_niblett
2.
pay for a landline you never use and get annoyed on the rare occasion it rings
@ericsshadow
3.
6yo: What’s it like being a grown up?
ME: You know that feeling you get when you unwrap a present and it’s not what you wanted?
@Cpin42
4.
i hate when old people say that tattoos are a waste of money like okay Debra you have a cabinet full of expensive plates no one can use
@whosalexander
5.
[first date]
“table or booth?”
date: table
me: we’re done here
@TheOGJB
6.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
@TheCatWhisprer
7.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
@robfee
8.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
@KentWGraham
9.
R u ever having like a nice chill night and then u decide to casually check up on someone via social media who ruined your life…
@mollysoda
10.
I wish horses knew that every person who drives by them says, “Oh look. Horses.”
@TheGladStork
11.
“Based on a true story” means that the real event happened to a much less attractive person.
@CatherineLMK
12.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that
ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
@JessObsess
13.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
@AndyAsAdjective
14.
The pita to hummus ratio is never correct.
@burnie
15.
Adulthood is mostly whispering
“For Fucks sake”
Every time the phone rings
@themrsik
16.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
@lisaxy424
17.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
@EJGomez
18.
*opens recipe*
“1. preheat oven to–”
*closes recipe*
@jonnysun
19.
FACEBOOK: hey remember how you were engaged two years ago
ME: no thanks
FACEBOOK: your friend’s racist
ME: ugh
FACEBOOK: buy something bitch
@davedittell
20.
Me: Let’s pick something on Netflix
*years pass,decades pass, cities rise and fall, Bono finally dies*
Me: Wait go back to documentaries
@shipwrecksean
21.
*every fireworks show ever*
Me: “was that the finale?”
Random guy/local firework expert: “oh, you’ll know when it’s the finale”
@jeff_jssj